Lent: Day 1

18 February 2015: Being More Intentional 

So, yesterday a lot of stuff occurred to me.... a lot of stuff. I do inventory at the library every Tuesday and Thursday mornings and afternoons, and therefore have a lot of time to think about my life. For the past several months, I have struggled with my faith: I've been incredibly insecure about my decisions and thoughts and ways of doing things, and completely unsure as to how to change and become comfortable in my faith. It's all been very confusing, and I've found no true resolution or peace about anything really. So yesterday, while working inventory, I began reflecting on lent and what it could mean for me. I have only given up something for lent once, and it was with a dear friend of mine. Some of my thoughts yesterday went like this: There are a lot of good things I could give up... I could give up wearing makeup, because it feeds into my vanity. I could give up eating sugar or junk food, because it's bad for me. I could give up Facebook, because it can be a waste of time. Yet, I don't think that any one of these things is the issue I'm having with my faith; it's something bigger. It seems as though it's EVERYTHING in my life that is taking my attention away from Christ, and I'm really sick of it. I need an intervention. Like Margaret Becker's song "Find Me", I want to rid myself of all the worldly distractions that separate me from God. However, it isn't like I can just quit doing life and live in a hole. I need to keep doing college and maintain my commitments. BUT, I do want to do everything intentionally, because I really haven't been intentional lately. I think part of the reason I haven't found any peace is because I've been avoiding God by all of my music practices and performances, schoolwork, normal work, friends, and the media. This isn't good, and I'm really sick of what I've been doing. 

So, here is my solution: I am giving up Facebook for lent officially, but am going to be intentional about other things. Although it won't be every day, I want to avoid wearing makeup because I feel insecure, because that is vain. I wish to care less about my physical appearances, and more about my "heart" condition... I don't think wearing makeup is a bad thing, especially if there is a special occasion or I just feel like looking particularly nice (why I don't want to eliminate it completely), but I need to make sure my intentions are pure, and that I don't idolize my physical appearance. 

Music has really become a passion of mine, but I also don't want to idolize it or put if before Christ, which I think I've been doing for the past several months. In high school, I was pretty involved in using music to glorify God. Sadly, I've almost completely lost that passion. Now I want to rediscover it. Lately, I've been using music to glorify myself, which ultimately lacks fulfillment. I don't think playing music that isn't praising God is wrong, and I'm not going to stop doing so, but it should not be as much of a priority as I've been making it to be. None of my endeavors should come before glorifying God. 

So, Facebook. Why give up Facebook? It surely is a nice way to stay connected with friends, and I love it for that reason. Yet, I text and call or hang out with pretty much all of my good friends, so it isn't 100% necessary. It can be a waste of time, even if it's five minutes in the morning, when I'm checking my email and getting ready for the day. I could use those five minutes to read my devotional book, which I fully intend on doing again (it's been a few months, unfortunately). Also, sometimes Facebook can make me a little glum. I don't want that. 

I've written a lot, but everything that I've written has been necessary. Basically, I want these next forty days to be a time where I can really go back to the place that God wants me to be. I want to give him my full attention. Because I'm human, I don't think I will 100% succeed at this. Yet, I want to be more intentional about what I'm doing in my every day life, because I'm realizing just how important that is. I've been so distraught about this whole Christianity thing, feeling like I'm completely lost. I don't know what I will learn in these forty days, but I am praying that God will meet me where I am, and will keep my eyes and ears open. I will wait on the LORD. If you are reading this, please pray for me, because this is not easy. I haven't given up my faith and I haven't stopped caring, but I have definitely been struggling with what it means to be Christian. 

Amelia