Lent: Amelia the Failure

19 March 2015
Yeah, I've really failed here. It isn't surprising to me, though. I tend to fail things (history has proven this statement: I got a 40% on an Algebra I mid-chapter test). HOWEVER, I am still abstaining from Facebook (with a two minute exception in which there was an emergency not worth my telling.
I haven't kept up on my "daily lent journey". Heck, I think I've even been counting wrong (apparently Sundays don't count in the 40 count???). I don't even know these days. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote, mostly because Spring break was a thing. I suppose this is the moment that this little blog deal becomes like a journal: I went to NC andddd long story short, found out that I'm going to be living in Germany as an Au Pair this summer, and I also reconnected with a dear friend. Yes, a dear friend. Other things happened over the break, but they were fairly insignificant.
So... the reason why I finally decided to write on here again? Angst. Yes, angst. I'm full of it lately. It isn't always apparent, though. Frankly, I'm really sick of church and organized Christianity and all the phrases and songs and habits and "groundless" beliefs and things assumed and taken for granted and the whole thing where people make a huge fuss about the differences between "mainstream" or "non-denominational" protestants, Lutherans, Catholics, Eastern Orthodox's, und so weiter. I AM SO TIRED OF IT ALL. This has been a quiet issue within me for quite some time now, but more and more lately, it's all been getting to me. I don't want to go to church, I don't want to read my Bible, I don't want to hear about God and what He has planned and what he's doing, and I certainly don't want to hear about why one group of Christians are the right ones.
I wish I were happy with Christianity, but I'm not. I don't want to talk about it in American Heritage. I don't want it to matter. It isn't that I hate God or Jesus, it's that I'm so sick of all these organizations that have been since formed. How the hell am I supposed to honor these guys? Is it through speaking in tongues and being in the Spirit like my more so-called "radical" Christian pals would suggest? Or am I supposed to be regal and formal and sing or speak liturgy in a language I don't know? Is thinking I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit just a load of bullshit? How should I view Mary?
I don't have any answers. My instinct, because of my upbringing, tells me to "read the Bible; it has all the answers". But that is so protestant of me. How do I know that's a good idea? I could ask the advice of another person who has a lot of wisdom, but still.... there are many wise people I know that believe different things.
I can pray, but how do I know what God tells me? If I don't, does that mean that everything is all just relative? Or do I need to look at history and see that it ins't? But what about the things revealed through the study of cultural anthropologists? Maybe our western heritage isn't everything.
I want there to be concrete answers and solutions to everything, like in math. But I have a feeling that I'm never going to completely find that in this life.
I want to be satisfied, but I'm not. Do I need to rest in God, like St. Augustine says? If so, how do I go about doing that? I feel so overwhelmed and like I have a million things to do, and can never do anything. My grades are a major disappointment to me. I am tired and incompetent and hope this is not always the situation. I want to have a meaningful life, but I don't know what that means!!!

That's all for now.
...Happy Lent?
I don't know.

Amelia