Things I care about

It's 12:38 (central time) in the morning and I just can't seem to fall asleep, which is pretty unusual for me. My mind is so full of thoughts and I can't help but to think that there's something happening inside of me. When I turned the lights off right after 12am, I was thinking about beauty and the goodness in people. I have always struggled with how I view myself-- I tend to be a very pessimistic person when it comes to myself. I think very lowly of who I am and often think that there's nothing good about me. I think nearly every day, "The only good thing about me is Jesus."
Well, tonight I struggled with that idea. Why? Because I know some truly beautiful and wonderful people, although not perfect, that have influenced my life and who do not claim to have Jesus or associate with Him. I remembered something I so often forget as a Christian that always thinks of herself as a sinner with a sinful nature that will never be 100% great because man has fallen, etc etc etc. I remembered that God created us humans, ALL of us humans, regardless of our faith in Him, in His image ["So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them" Genesis 1:27]. And because I believe that God is a good, gracious, loving, kind, merciful, and BEAUTIFUL God, it would be absolutely ludicrous for me to say that the humans around me are not, even the ones who don't want anything to do with Him or His son, Jesus. Yes, I believe and recognize that sin is a huge deal and is a huge corruption to this world, but I truly believe in my heart that there is so much love and beauty in this world. There HAS to be because of what Christ did, and by the simple belief that we humans are created in God's image.  Instead of dwelling on all the crap in this world, I want to dwell on God's glory and the beauty He has created. I want to bless people by loving and helping them in their life.

Something else has been going on that's not only taken over some of my waking thoughts but also my dreams while I sleep. This coming school year (my sophomore year of college), I am going to be an RA for the girl's freshman dorm I lived in this past school year. Now, all first semester and all before in my entire life of being aware of what an RA was, I had literally zero desire to be one. I found it annoying last summer when my then boyfriend kept saying I'd "make a great RA". Like, what did he know? He'd never been to college and he probably won't ever. I went all through first semester freshman year, still convinced I'd never want to do it. I liked my independence, I didn't like large groups of people, I liked being alone, and I liked having the door shut to my room. I knew I was self-centered and didn't want to be an RA and have to deal with other people's problems and crap and stuff.
Well, over Christmas break, I thought about it. I realized that although I was selfish and mostly cared about myself, I desired to serve others and help them and not be all about me. My mom kept pushing for it, and I decided that I might as well just apply and see what happens. Long story short, I got one of the positions and was glad. I found out during Spring Break in the middle of March, and during the last run of the school year, my heart started to slowly change. By the end of my freshman year, I realized that I was actually looking FORWARD to being an RA.
Well, this past month of summer has been interesting. I've had three dreams about being an RA, which is very unusual considering I still have a couple more months before I'll be one. The thing is that I don't get excited for things until they are RIGHT about to happen, like either the day before or the day of. Last night, I had another dream and I woke up in the morning so excited. Tonight, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was again excited and felt so incredibly blessed to get to be in a position where I can help and bless others. I had a pretty tough first semester of freshman year, and I want to do all I can to help others. Something I really want to do is start a Bible study. Anyways, I have been praying a lot about this, because I realize it's not really an easy job.

So, here's a conclusion for this very long blog post:
I love a lot of things and can be very passionate about those things. I love running, singing and playing music, economics, German, dancing, writing, reading, taking pictures, riding my bike, hiking, playing games, etc. etc. etc. But I look at all these things and think, "none of it actually matters, all of this is meaningless [SEE: the book of Ecclesiastes, one of my favorite books of all time]. Yes, I can be very negative sometimes. However, that's not where my thought stops, at least not anymore (it used to stop there). This is how that thought continues: "Yes, all these things are meaningless compared to what I REALLY and TRULY love and want to do in this short life. I want to love God, love others, and serve God and serve others. Yes, that's what I want to do because it is the most important thing I can do in my life (I don't care if this sentence doesn't sound well grammatically)."
So there you have it. I don't really care about all the stuff I do in this life. Most of all, I want to love God and through that, love and help and bless other people in their lives. I do believe that's why I am so thrilled about being an RA, even though it sounds so small in comparison to what Christ did and to what missionaries and military people do. It's small, yet it's somehow significant in the eyes of God. I am nervous and am bracing myself for it, as well as the many other challenges that will soon greet me at the "door" of sophomore year, but hey! I have God and some freaking awesome humans in my life that will make things bearable. Because that's what I really think it's all about. God and people. That's what makes up this life.

And, because it fits the theme of this blog, I will tell you that I've been listening to Explosions in the Sky's album, "The Earth Is Not a Dead Cold Place".

Auf Wiedersehen! (A way of saying goodbye in German).