Sometimes, I have to stand up for myself. This is something that's so difficult for me to do, unfortunately. Relationships can be incredibly painful, and I am not very good at being smart in certain areas of my life (I'm not even talking about schoolwork!!!). Anyways, there have been some touchy issues I've had to confront and deal with lately. I really didn't want to have to do what I recently did, but it was necessary for my general well-being. Still, it sucks. Like, a lot. I am used to being trampled on, and really don't like ending things. I like to work things out. Sometimes, though, things don't work themselves out, even though I've tried and tried and words have been said that seem to be solutions to the problem. Yet, the needed actions do not follow.
The problem with love is that when you love someone, you get hurt. You pour out your love and energy and time and thoughts and words to someone, and they simply don't react the way you thought they would/should. Now, it's not as if I always expect that the person I love should do the same things I do, but it would be awfully nice to know that they appreciate what I do and why I do it. A friendship takes at least two beings; everyone knows that.
I guess I'm just kind of sad. Disappointed, really. I don't want to change who I am and what I do, but I realized that it might be necessary to redirect my love toward other people and things. This change is really difficult, though, and I feel kind of like a drug addict: I'd really love to just go back to the drugs, even though I know it's bad for me and it will only bring me down as a person. I'm still addicted. I haven't reached the point of not wanting the drug anymore, and let me tell you, I can't wait for that moment. However, something disturbs me about this analogy that I just made up.... I kind of dehumanized someone by referring to them as a drug. People aren't drugs. People are people, and they are to be loved regardless of everything! I love, but I see that this love I'm doing is destroying me (or rather, was destroying me, since I technically removed myself from the situation at hand). The point is, because of who I am, I must love. I cannot stop; it's a part of who I am, and it's something that I don't want to change. But how do I love without destroying myself? I don't think it's right to pick and choose who to love, yet, "friends" can really tear your spirit down.
This is a rather difficult thing I'm experiencing currently, and although I know my head is doing the right thing in order to preserve my heart, my heart still aches because it feels like it's being cold and rude. I wouldn't go as far as to say it's hateful, because it isn't. It just sucks because my head is forbidding my heart to do as it pleases in freely loving a friend of mine.
Anyways, I don't think I have anything else to say on this matter, except that it's not finished and I don't know what the future holds. "Only time will tell."
P.S. Here is a photo of some cool shoes I got at the Salvation Army for $2.29!
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